Apr. 22, 2009 - Goodbye?

15 years. 15 years of failure. 15 years of mistakes. 15 years of wondering what could have been. 15 years lost. 15 years tainted by the presence of someone who will never be you.


I was startled tonight as I was driving home from a perfectly bland day at work... startled to find myself weeping. 80 miles per hour, weeping... a cry with no apparent catalyst. Upon allowing myself the release that comes with a good cry, however, I figured it out.

I never got to say goodbye.

The last time I saw you, yes, I said goodbye... I was off to see a movie with friends. I was hurried. I was excited. But I didn't say goodbye... the final goodbye. You were gone the next day. They brought me in to say goodbye after you were already gone.

All the shit about how a person will always be with you when they're gone... I believed you were... I believe you ARE... but SHE tried to squash you... And I fear I LET her squash you... just as I let her squash me... and Bro... and Dad. I never LET you live inside me... I couldn't. I didn't know how. And now, I want you here more than anything.

Listening to the lecture last night, the many people she never got a chance to say goodbye to... I didn't realize it then... apparently, I never consciously realized it... But it matters.



I miss you, damnit.

I miss hearing you play piano.

I miss rice pudding and oyster stew.

I miss Christmases that actually meant something.

I miss making cookies and candies - eating the rejects from the trash.

I miss singing show tunes with you.

I miss you sitting on my bed and helping me clean my room.

I miss the jungle.

I miss your hats.

I miss your laugh... Oh God do I miss your laugh.

I miss the way you smelled.

I miss sitting on the floor at your feet watching Star Trek and working on needlepoint.

I miss getting yelled at for setting fires, eating all the girlscout cookies and m&m's, spilling milk in the hide-a-bed.

I miss the arms that would hold me when I was sad.

I miss the hand that would cover my eyes at the scary parts of the movie, leaving my imagination to fill in the bad parts, often with worse consequences.

I miss going to the hospital with you, watching you get your blood drawn.

I miss wandering the halls of the school, waiting for you to finish your lesson plan.

I miss the snakes and gerbils and fish and salamanders and lizards and guniea pigs.

I miss the camping, the fishing, the nature hikes.

I miss bubbles.

I miss the leaf collections.

I miss celebrating Your Day - Valentine's day.

I miss you, Mom.

Like hell.