Dogs are great. They have this "unconditional love" thing that they do sometimes that is just awesome. When you wake up in the morning, your breath is all funky, your hair looks like a bird's nest, and your underwear is firmly wedged in your ass crack, your dog doesn't care. In fact, depending on how badly Fido has to pee, you might even be greeted with emphatic kisses... Or, if your dog is like mine, your dog might attempt to softly rouse you from your slumber with their own patented gentle techniques.
One of her favorite methods of easing me from dreamland into consciousness is the "bladder stand" in which she decides that you should empathize with her need to urniate. After rising, she'll slowly stretch and stare at me. If that does not provoke a response that signifies that I am also awake, she'll stand with her front legs on my bladder and stretch her back legs, putting all of her weight on my abdomen. During this method of gentle rousing, she often stares into my face, waiting for my eyes to open. If I make the mistake of opening my eyes, she gets excited and hops. This is NOT a good way to wake up.
If, however, instead of opening my eyes, I roll over, thereby dislodging her from her prime position, she will do the "ear wash"... I cannot describe to you how unpleasant it is to wake up to warm wet ear moistness... especially when you include the snuffling sounds that make your ears tickle.
If the "ear wash" causes you to pull your pillow over your head in an attempt to quell the unpleasantness, she will then take her cue to stand on your head. Fifty pounds of canine on your cheek...
Some days, when she isn't feeling particularly sadistic, she will curl up with her face on the pillow right next to mine, her nose about a half inch from my own, and stare at me. When I open my eyes, she will greet me with a gigantic sneeze.
Needless to say, I don't often wake up in a good mood.
This morning, however, I was in a fairly good mood, perhaps because she hadn't started her "annoy Mom until she wakes up" ritual. In fact, when I got out of bed, she stayed put, watching me get dressed with an eye half open and partially rolled back into her head. When I was all dressed, I put my shoes on and looked at her. She jumped up and started her little growly talkative "rooo-roooo"... (She's part Husky so she talks...) She ran to where I keep her leash, waited patiently for me to attach it to her collar, and scampered to the door. If you've ever met my dog, you know what her scamper is like. She scampers. She also hops, dashes, saunters, meanders and lopes.
I live on the second floor of my apartment building, therefore there are stairs between where she sleeps and where she pees. Some days, she is patient and waits for my two legs to do what her four can do so much faster. Some days, she is not patient and attempts to pull me down the stairs faster. This morning, she tried to kill me. For some reason she decided to go back up the stairs after we had already started down them, and then changed her mind and went back down the stairs... on my other side... thus successfully twining the leash around my ankles... I don't recall much from the Physics class I took in high school, but I'm pretty sure that mass + inertia + momentum = pain.
I started walking down the stairs like this: I
I soon found myself like this: /
Until I was like this: __
I got to experience every stair, face first, up close and personal... bumping down each tread on my stomach until I reached the landing... on which I lay like this: @
I think the final insult was when she came over to my face and licked my cheek with an air of "Jeez Mom, What the hell!!"
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