Thoughts on Parasites

Every morning, when the alarm goes off far earlier than I would like, I find myself reluctantly pulled from typically the most interesting dreams of the night and thrust into this nightmare known as ‘Responsibility.’ First, before I continue, I’d like to send an imaginary middle finger to the concept of responsibility. 

Alright, that done, I would like to give you, my imaginary reader, the heebie jeebies… (otherwise known as the willies, the jitters, the creeps, et cetera)… I guess I’m sadistic like that. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

After being pulled into reality every morning, I begin my normal daily routine. I won’t get too in depth about the boringness that is my life, but I will give you a wee glimpse. After yawning like a grizzly bear post-hibernation, I lumber out of the bedroom in a rather disgruntled fashion. My minion, Savannah, follows me sleepily, but, as is normal for her, happily. Sometimes I wish I was a dog. They’ve got it so easy. Every morning, I devote a few moments to scratching her behind the ears, kissing the velvet soft fur between her ear and the top of her head, letting her know that I’m grateful that she’s my dog. Seriously, unless you’ve had a dog that you’ve truly loved, you wouldn’t understand.

Well, this morning started off like every morning. The annoying beep of the alarm intruding an interesting dream in which… well… now that I think about it, the dream made no sense… but I found it interesting. With a groan, I hauled my bulk from the bed like the Kraken rising from the sea. As normal, I started giving my pup some morning lovies with my sleepy eyes half closed in memory of the sleep from which I was so rudely awakened. Kissing her between her ear and the top of her head, I noticed something VERY wrong.

That, my friends, is a tick. A ginormous ugly disgusting gag-inducing tick. Needless to say, I was instantly awake… If I have one thing I fear, detest, and loathe more than anything (even more than spiders… and that’s saying something), it would be parasites. Ticks, fleas, lice, tapeworms, etc… parasites make me… oh dear god, I can’t even explain it. I just… *shudder* Yuck. Just… just yuck.

So I started my day kissing a tick. Faaaaannnn-tastic. After freaking out… no… that’s putting it mildly… I flipped the fuck out… Then I had to remove it… I’ll spare you the details because I feel like throwing up just retelling my traumatic experience.  Here’s the sonuvabitch post-removal, pre-vomit…

Yes. I threw up. Twice. Gross.

So, this was how my day started. Parasites. All day, I couldn’t stop thinking about them.

… and then my co-worker started talking about the ‘Miracle Of Childbirth’ *insert impressive sounding theme song here*…

…and I got nauseous…

The definition of a parasite (and goddamnit, I don’t feel like citing my source… Go to Google, type in ‘define:parasite’ and read it yourself if you’re that damn anal) is: ‘an animal or plant that lives in or on a host, it obtains nourishment from the host without benefiting or killing the host.’

How is pregnancy not parasitic? It most totally is. A thing… growing inside a female… feeding off of her… growing… depending on her… and then, after a while, it tears itself out of the host body with NO regard to the female’s comfort or well being… and lives outside the host, but is still parasitic – feeding off of her until it is able to chew… and that’s just the ways a baby is physically parasitic…. I haven’t even mentioned monetarily, mentally, emotionally or just… goddamnit babies scare me.

So… every time I hear a mother go on and on about how babies are so wonderful and such miracles, I scoff… They’ve clearly been brainwashed by the little parasites they’ve carried. How is a mother prancing their baby around any different than a person naming their tapeworm and showing strangers pictures of their ‘widdle sweetheart’?  Know what I say everytime someone asks me when I’m going to have a baby? “Pregnancy scares me. Ever seen Alien?”

Okay, I’m babbling. I’m tired… and grossed out.

The point is this: Parasites are gross. Babies are parasites. Therefore babies are gross.

And ticks…. Goddamnit ticks are nasty fuckers.